Democracy Goes to Couples Therapy: The Week in Dysfunctional Love Affairs
Scene: A mid-century leather couch. Two water glasses. One jaded therapist with a clipboard labeled “Republic.” Enter Democracy, fraying at the seams, dragging her latest couples behind her.
Session One: Trump & Musk - From Billionaire Bromance to Budget Breakup
In the beginning, there was mutual adoration: private jets, deregulation pillow talk, and shared dreams of an America with no oversight and lots of Martian real estate. But last Thursday, the co-dependent techno-authoritarian couple imploded. It began, as most doomed relationships do, with a name-calling incident.
Musk rechristened Trump’s “Big Beautiful Bill” the “Big Ugly Bill” - a sick burn that left Trump's ego bruised and his catheter allegedly on full display. Democrats, in a rare show of unity, took this as medical evidence that Trump had finally become incontinent with power.
Musk calls Trump’s bill “Big Ugly”—catheter photo leaks.
Musk's beef? trump had betrayed the libertarian-minimalist spirit of their shared love affair. Transforming overnight from crypto shaman to deficit hawk, Musk ranted that the bill undermined his DOGE Office's fiscal wizardry - "the only office in Washington to successfully find savings by shaking the White House sofa cushions." Trump responded with the mournful tone of a man losing access to SpaceX launch parties: “Most likely and most sadly, our relationship is over.”
By Friday, Musk had pivoted into a full impeachment advocate, casually dropping that Trump’s name appears in the Epstein files. That's not a break-up text - that's the nuke-you-on-Twitter equivalent of leaving your ex's secrets in the group chat.
Caught in the emotional crossfire was poor J.D. Vance, who has kept mostly silent since, reportedly focused on building a small alt-right monastery in Appalachia. He has not returned The Letts Journal’s calls.
Session Two: Trump & Newsom - The Governor Will See You Now or I Like You, but I'm Calling in the Military
Dumped and publicly humiliated, Trump rebounded hard - straight into a violent confrontation with California and, by extension, its slick-haired governor. ICE raids, labor union brawls, and freeway blockades turned the city into a warzone. One group of film students made a documentary and sold the rights before they were even edited. Trump, ever the romantic, sent in the military. And who should rise to meet him in the moonlight? Gavin Newsom, shirt unbuttoned to his pecs, begging to be arrested like a political Anastasia Steele.
Newsom practically proposed: "Make me a martyr, Donny. Make me the Democratic nominee in 2028." Then, in a late-night address, Newsom practically begged Trump to arrest him.
“Make me the next Bobby Kennedy,” he whispered into the camera. The DNC briefly trended #ArrestMeDaddy.
Democracy watched on from the therapy chair, clutching a pillow.
Meanwhile, the DNC Swipes Right on Musk
Back at the Abundance Conference - think Burning Man for neoliberal podcasters - the Democrats were shopping for new partners. With Musk and Trump on the outs, Dems wondered: Could he be the one?
Ezra Klein and Derek Thompson’s new book, Abundance , was passed around like scripture at a polycule retreat. Their thesis? Democrats can win if they just… stop being Democrats. Cut labor. Embrace Elon. Maybe compliment Ron DeSantis’s haircut while you’re at it.
Bill Maher serenaded Musk on HBO, Representative Ro Khanna offered his hand in bipartisan friendship, and Matt Yglesias brought spreadsheets detailing how subsidizing rocket launches could win back Scranton.
The DNC, desperate for love, floated the idea of a ménage à tech - Elon, Joe, and Kamala. Unclear who would be in charge of the safe word.
Closing Session: So Who’s Cheating On Whom?
It’s hard to keep track. Is Trump emotionally cheating on Newsom with Musk? Is Musk triangulating both parties, promising clean energy by day and fascist memes by night? Is Gavin just in it for the mugshot?
And what of poor Democracy, disheveled in the corner, trying to remember when she last felt respected?
The therapist sighs, checks her watch, and bills all parties for the full hour.
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