DOUBLE DROP: TRUMP UNVEILS WAR IN IRAN AND A PHONE THAT DOESN’T WORK
A limited-edition combo drop from the former president: one gold phone that won’t start, one Middle East war that won’t stop, and a rare-earth deal that might melt your SIM card.
In a blockbuster two-product Tuesday, Donald Trump launched both a new war in Iran and a $499 gold smartphone that doesn’t turn on. Billed as “Made in America” (like freedom, napalm, and Melania’s visa), the Trump Phone is a patriotic brick, perfect for calling your enemies or clubbing them silently.
Buyers of Trump Mobile were treated to an exclusive experience: their credit cards were charged, no service was provided, and a mysterious “activation code” promised by video tutorial simply said “COMING SOON!” - eerily similar to the Pentagon’s statement on whether the 15-megaton “Democracy Bomb” had actually detonated over Qom.
Both drops mark the first time a U.S. president has launched a wireless plan and a limited-edition preemptive strike in the same news cycle.
Military analysts are calling the Trump Phone “a second line for the apocalypse” - a sleek, gold alternative in case your Israeli-issued bunker hotline is busy. It’s unclear if the war or the phone will work. But the customer service is based in America, and the call wait music is Lee Greenwood.
For $47.45 a month (plus surprise tax), you too can experience telecommunications the Trump way: loud, late, and possibly radioactive.
In a press release printed on gold foil and stapled to a steak, the Trump Organization clarified that the phone's casing is “infused with real American rare earths,” sourced from a Wyoming strip mine co-owned with an Emirati sovereign fund and something called "The Patriotic Lithium Trust." According to Trump, the device is “not just a phone, it’s a strategic mineral reserve you can hold in your hand.”
“We’ve cornered the rare earth market,” Trump declared, mistakingly pointing to a pile of Arizona gravel. “The Chinese have their Huawei, we’ve got the Trump-ay.”
Aides later clarified that the phone may not technically contain a radio, GPS, or ability to place calls but does emit a “masculine warmth,” ideal for desert climates or warming small mammals.
With the Iranian campaign and rare earth boom rolled into one sleek slab of golden dysfunction, Trump has redefined the meaning of "dual-use technology." Early adopters are already using their phones as doorstops, prayer tablets, and geiger counters.
As one user put it: “It’s not just a phone that doesn’t work. It’s a foreign policy platform with a charging port.”
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