How To Dodge Pledging Your Allegiance to the King

Tips for surviving the new coronation with your head still on your shoulders

May 3, 2023

It seems that the new King and Queen of England are hoping that their subjects, aka all Brits and commonwealthers, will be hitting up ChatGPT this week to figure out how they can pledge their allegiance to the new King. You can do it almost anywhere, including in-person (assuming you can get past the soldiers with beehives on their heads), via your TV, in the pub or even at the beach using a nearby ‘big screen’.

Lambeth Palace said it hoped the significant change to the historic service will result in a "great cry around the nation and around the world of support for the King". What?!!

They promise it is “very much an invitation (to pledge their allegiance) rather than an expectation or request. People might join in if that feels right for them as they would take part in the national anthem”. So no pressure then.

It replaces the traditional Homage of Peers, in which a long line of hereditary peers knelt and made a pledge to the monarch in person. Apparently the peers are busy dodging Sir Keir Starmer (another royal?) who wants to ‘off’ their heads.

Instead the Archbishop of Canterbury, who technically works for the King given the monarch is head of the church, will call upon "all persons of goodwill in the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, and of the other realms and the territories to make their homage, in heart and voice, to their undoubted King, defender of all". And fyi that includes all you Canadians, Australians, New Zealanders and various tax happy countries not currently up in arms due to the slightly cough-out-loud unfortunate royal connection with slave trading.

If you are a bit of a closet republican (not the Donald Trump kind) we have a few tips for how you can dodge the draft / personal homage thing:

Go to the pub, wave a flag, sing God save the King and hit the can as soon as the Archbishop of Canterbury pops up on your screen.
Take a day trip to Barbados as they have already transitioned to a republic and the weather is bound to be better over there. Plus they have lots of nice pubs as well.
Join Meghan in LA.
Buy a beehive hat and red jacket and hook up with the Kings Guards. Prey its a hot day and feint at the opportune moment. Apparently they’re always doing it.
“Where’s my contact lens?”
Become a friend of Prince Andrew and ask to meet him for a quick sweat-free shimmy in Tramps because it seems he can’t resist and that way you’ll both get arrested.
Hook up with the Green party because they're quite good at fixing climate problems which is nice and it seems they don’t do King things.
Get ahead of the dodge-police and shut yourself away in the rickety old shed in the back yard. Pretend you’re very busy remote working on Zoom.
Try not to chain yourself to a gate, block traffic, march in unison, hold a sign, go on strike or chuck pellets over a wall because apparently that’s all illegal now.
Book a flight to Rwanda.

If none of the above works for you then it's probably time to start practising your pledge. The Coronation oath in full reads: "I swear that I will pay true allegiance to Your Majesty, and to your heirs and successors according to law. So help me God."

Help me God… indeed.

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