Keir Starmer Launches “Feelings First” Campaign to Tackle Global Trade Anxiety
Keir Starmer's Feelings First Framework proposes a radical departure from conventional economic thinking by placing emotional truth at the forefront of economic decision-making, ushering in a new era
LONDON: In what analysts are calling either a profound reimagining of fiscal governance or the softest coup in British political history, Prime Minister Keir Starmer today unveiled the Labour government’s bold new economic initiative: Feelings First: A Human Response to Geo-Economic Madness.
Standing at a podium surrounded by fresh lavender, a large ceramic bowl of lentils, and a softly humming gong, Starmer addressed a crowd of trade negotiators, lifestyle coaches, and baffled financial journalists. “For too long, economic policy has prioritised numbers over nervous systems,” Starmer declared, his tone halfway between Head Boy and forest monk. “We must centre emotional truth in our balance of payments.”
The Feelings First framework will reportedly replace traditional economic indicators with what Starmer calls the Five Sentient Metrics:
Anxiety Index – measured in “bated breaths per capita.”
National Tension Gradient – assessed through biometric knitting circles.
Optimism Yield – calculated via community compost enthusiasm.
Micro-Contentment Quotient – derived from post-office queue satisfaction ratings.
The Trade Heartline – a spiritual pulse check of Britain’s gut instinct on imports.
According to briefing documents (printed on recycled bark and lightly scented with bergamot), quarterly reports will now include moodboards, guided meditations, and optional cuddle charts.
Reeves Rebrands Treasury as “Department of Empathic Equilibrium”
Chancellor Rachel Reeves appeared via video, seated cross-legged inside a softly lit macrobiotic dome. “Economic trauma is real, after all Farage weeps all the time” Reeves intoned. “It is time to give our GDP a hug.”
Reeves announced that the Treasury will be renamed the Department of Empathic Equilibrium , and plans are underway to replace the FTSE with the Feelings-Tempered Sustainability Exchange. “Profit is fine,” Reeves clarified, “but only if it doesn’t hurt anyone’s inner child.”
International Reaction: Mostly Humming and Crystals
The initiative has sent ripples through diplomatic and aromatherapeutic circles. The European Central Bank issued a non-verbal statement consisting of a mandala and a bowl of warm stones. French President Emmanuel Macron reportedly smirked, exhaled deeply, and said only: “Enfin.”
The United States expressed cautious curiosity. Treasury Secretary Scott Besent and his partner were spotted rereading Rupi Kaur beneath a Himalayan salt lamp, while a visibly confused Federal Reserve Chair Jerome Powell attempted to calculate the inflationary impact of forgiveness.
China issued a statement asking whether the UK was “still participating in capitalism,” while Russia responded with a shrug emoji printed on industrial steel.
In the City, traders initially responded with a mixture of panic and interpretive dance. Barclays announced a new line of “Emotionally Resilient Bonds,” while HSBC unveiled an algorithm that detects market fear through subtle changes in LinkedIn posts.
Marks & Spencer, ever adaptable, began offering Feelings First Ready Meals with names like Conflicted Cauliflower , Joyful Jalfrezi , and Existential Shepherd’s Pie.
Meanwhile, The Letts Journal’s own Mood Index has shown a sharp uptick in existential chuckling.
Starmer’s Vision: Soft Power, Softer Hands
In a closing flourish, Starmer declared that the age of cold economics was over. “We are entering the epoch of Warm Data,” he said, eyes dewy. “Britain will lead with heart, not hedge funds.”
Critics have questioned the plan’s viability, cost, and measurable outcomes. But supporters argue that after decades of uncertainty and algorithmic austerity cosplaying as strategy, a little public healing may be the most radical economic act of all.
In Other News:
Liz Truss launches rival initiative, “Facts Not Feelings: The British Steel of Sanity.”
Nigel Farage reportedly seen weeping openly in a Waitrose after trying to understand the term “empathic tariff.”
HMRC confirms hugs are not yet tax-deductible, but consultations are ongoing.
The Letts Journal’s Liberty Shrugged—where economic analysis meets crystal healing and chaos theory.
Keep up to date with The Letts Journal’s latest news stories and posts at our website and on twitter.