Keir Starmer Puts UK on a War Footing and Conscripts Himself!
LettsCartoon: Just your average day for Keir Starmer: from battling his inner demons to commanding a tank armed with radioactive toasties, and finally, taking flight on a military drone...
In a bold demonstration of his new role as Supreme Commander of Himself, Keir Starmer was spotted inside a decommissioned Cold War-era tank, frantically thumbing through a laminated “Beginner’s Guide to Ballistics.” Aides looked on nervously as he repeatedly shouted “Fire!” at the warhead, which refused to comply. Spectators were reassured when it was revealed the “nuclear device” was actually a repurposed vending machine from Labour HQ, now retrofitted to launch slightly radioactive cheese toasties.
“This is deterrence,” Starmer explained, before accidentally firing a pigeon into orbit.
Moving on from the toasties, witnesses were left both alarmed and oddly inspired as the British Prime Minister personally climbed aboard a military drone - originally designed to be unmanned - and insisted on “taking back control” of UK airspace. Strapped to the fuselage with leftover NHS red tape and piloting with an Xbox controller, Starmer performed what experts described as “aerial interpretive dance” over Westminster.
Upon landing (in a duck pond in Surrey), he declared, “We are ready for anything - even if anything is a mild breeze and a confused goose.” The drone has since been grounded for psychological recovery.
An official from the Ministry of Defence (MOD), speaking under strict anonymity because "frankly no one believes this is happening," offered a measured assessment:
“We assumed this was a morale-boosting visit. Next thing we know, he’s rebranding battalions as ‘Delivery Units’ and asking if bayonets can be means-tested. He tried to enter the nuclear codes into a Tesco Clubcard app. The man’s either five moves ahead of us or lost in the staff car park.”
Thus Britain enters its most ambiguously mobilised phase since the invention of the clipboard. Starmer, now visibly wearing both a flak jacket and a hi-vis vest “for cross-sector integration,” insists that every Brit must do their part - even if that part is limited to filling in a stakeholder engagement survey during a blackout. His mission is clear, his plan less so.
Whether on the front lines, in the cockpit, or just slightly lost behind a hedge in Salisbury, Generalissimo Starmer stands ready to defend the realm from ambiguity, nuance, and any policies that might cause a fuss.
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