New Gold America Policy: Get Rich or Get Deported!
Trump is Running America Like a Luxury Hotel Chain while Elon Mints Government DOGE.
In a bold new vision that would make the founding fathers either proud or violently ill (historians are divided), President Donald Trump has unveiled his revolutionary "New Gold America" economic strategy. The plan is simple: treat the United States like a failing Trump casino, sell premium citizenship like timeshares, and let billionaires run government departments like personal Minecraft servers.
PREMIUM AMERICAâ„¢: Now With Gold-Plated Citizenship!
Move over, green cards! The "Trump Gold Card" is America's hottest new status symbol, available to discerning oligarchs for the bargain basement price of just $5 million. "You have a green card, this is a gold card," explained the President, demonstrating his legendary mastery of colour differentiation.
The program targets what Trump describes as "people with money" who will create jobs - as opposed to the traditional immigrants who merely become doctors, nurses, engineers, and essential workers. When asked if Russian oligarchs would be eligible, Trump responded, "I know some Russian oligarchs that are very nice people. They're not as wealthy as they used to be. I think they can afford $5 million."
Commerce Secretary Howard Lutnick has clarified that the Gold Card replaces the EB-5 program, which previously allowed immigrants to obtain residency for investments around $1 million. "We're eliminating fraud by making it so expensive that only the wealthiest criminals can afford it," he didn't actually say but might as well have.
Trump estimates America could "sell maybe a million of these cards," which would generate $5 trillion - conveniently covering the entire deficit created by the GOP's new budget resolution! Who needs fiscal responsibility when you can just sell America piece by piece? And the Republican Congress is all in.
The House of Representatives has passed what Trump lovingly calls "ONE BIG BEAUTIFUL BILL," a budget blueprint that would cut $2 trillion in spending while providing $4.5 trillion in tax cuts - because nothing fixes debt like making less money!
The maths works perfectly if you just assume economic growth rates that would make even North Korean state media blush. As Speaker Mike Johnson explained while furiously texting desperate pleas to wavering representatives, "This has been necessary because we promised to deliver President Trump's full agenda, not just a part of it."
The bill targets wasteful government spending like:
Healthcare for poor people ($880 billion in cuts likely from Medicaid)
Food for hungry families (up to 21% cuts to SNAP possible)
Student aid for young Americans trying to avoid crippling debt.
Meanwhile, it protects essential services like:
Tax cuts for billionaires
More border guards to keep out the non-premium immigrants
An extra $100 billion for the military, which will surely fix everything.
As one Republican representative put it, "I received a personal commitment from Mr. Trump to save health care and make it better." Details on how to improve healthcare by gutting its funding were unavailable at press time. But Trump is no slackard. Knowing how inefficient and ineffective Congress can really be he made sure to employ a Plan B. And in America's most daring experiment he's letting billionaires run government services like tech startups. Elon Musk has been appointed to head the new Department Of Government Efficiency (D.O.G.E.).
"Government should be run like Twitter - I mean X," explained Musk at the program's launch, where he fired 80% of the federal workforce and replaced them with an AI chatbot trained exclusively on libertarian Reddit forums.
The D.O.G.E program's first initiative is reportedly converting all federal buildings to "open office concepts" where civil servants must compete for desks in a Hunger Games-style competition each morning. Productivity is up 9000%, according to metrics that Musk himself created and no one is allowed to verify.
Not content just with his Oligarch's Money for Citizenship scheme and his DOGE Force cutting swaths of savings through the government, Trump has pioneered a bold new diplomatic strategy. Its RealPolitik with a capital R (for Revenue). NATO be damned, he's starting with Ukraine: mineral rights in exchange for military aid. "What better could you have for Ukraine than to be in an economic partnership with the United States?" asked National Security Adviser Mike Waltz, while apparently keeping a straight face.
Experts call this innovative approach "protection racket diplomacy," a revolutionary strategy where America's friendship comes with an invoice. Russia's Vladimir Putin, impressed by the business acumen on display, has countered by offering America even more minerals from territories that technically still belong to Ukraine.
As America pivots to its exciting new business model – "USA Premium Plus" (taxes and democracy not included) - citizens can look forward to a future where national wealth is measured not by the health and wellbeing of its people, but by how many oligarchs buy Gold Cards.
In this brave new America, citizenship is no longer a right – it's a luxury product with tiered pricing. Regular citizens receive the "Basic Freedom Package," while Gold Card members enjoy "Elite Liberty Plus" with special features like "Actually Having Politicians Listen To You" and "Laws That Don't Apply To You."
Coming soon: The Platinum Patriot Card – only $50 million! Includes one free presidential pardon and your name on a government building of your choice.
*Terms and conditions apply. Democracy not guaranteed. Offer void where common sense prevails.