Our Long National Nightmare is ... Just Getting Started
Keir Starmer faces protests, unrest and, frankly, insomnia. No Government “Phase Two” PowerPoint deck is going to save him now.
"In a diverse nation like ours … we risk becoming an island of strangers, not a nation that walks forward together." Keir Starmer, 12th May.
"Britain is a nation proudly built on tolerance, diversity and respect. Our flag represents our diverse country and we will never surrender it to those that use it as a symbol of violence, fear and division." Keir Starmer, 14th September.
First he told us Britain risks becoming “an island of strangers.” Then, just a few months later, he was busy waving the flag and swearing it belongs to everyone, not just the guys who bring a St. George’s Cross to the pub like it’s a second wife. Which Starmer is this week’s Starmer? The one with the diversity quote, the patriot cosplay, or the one who desperately wishes Tony Blair’s ghost would just come back and govern already?
The truth is Starmer has been cosplaying everyone . In 2020, he borrowed Jeremy Corbyn’s jumper. In 2024, he borrowed the word “country.” In 2025 he’s borrowed from Powell, Blair, Cameron, and Obama — which is impressive really, like watching a man attempt karaoke of five different songs at once while the bar staff unplug the mic. At this point, he’s less a Prime Minister than a mood board.
But Saturday wasn’t about him. Reform threw themselves a street parade, the biggest since Brexit marches. London hasn’t seen so many angry provincial day-trippers since the Queen died. Mainstream media said 150,000 came. Right-wing media swore it was two million. Left-wing media said they weren’t in that weekend. Whoever’s counting, it was big enough to scare the Met into penning 5,000 counter-protesters like sheep in a muddy field. Apparently democracy now comes with crowd-control barriers.
Naturally, there were arrests — 26 of them. Mainly Reform lads battering coppers. But hey, it could’ve been worse. At least they didn’t smash up hotels this time. Baby steps.
Meanwhile Elon Musk beamed in like a Bond villain with WiFi, pitching “DOGE 2: The Department of Government for England (and only ENGLAND).” Nigel Farage was there in spirit, Charlie Kirk got a eulogy, and only one bloke yelled that Starmer should be assassinated. Which, in today’s climate, practically counts as moderation.
Churches also had a big weekend. Apparently, we are still a Christian country, if you count shouting about Jesus in Trafalgar Square as proof. Surely explains why another Abbey just went on Rightmove.
And then, just when you thought things couldn’t get messier, the Greens elected Zack Polanski, who instantly started banging the populist drum. Polling went bonkers: Reform up, Greens up, Labour wobbling, and the phantom menace of “Your Party” still hovering. Are you voting for your party? Who knows! Perhaps the new left-wing strategy is less populism, more straight-up confusion.
But the real body blow is coming from the Labour Unions — yes, they still exist! Unison is flirting with disaffiliation, Unite is openly threatening it, and Starmer’s pretending he’s never heard of them. Which is a bold strategy when they’re bankrolling you to the tune of millions.
The good news for Keir? He can take comfort in knowing he’s not Emmanuel Macron. The bad news? Winter’s coming, the polls are splintering, and he’s looking more like the Prime Minister equivalent of a demo tape: lots of covers, no original material.
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