The Idiot AI (Mole?) Inside US Politics: Top Ways to Spectacularly Misuse Artificial Intelligence
From Presidential Gaffes to Congressional Chaos: The Shocking Mishaps of AI in US Politics Exposed! 🤯🔮
Special Satirical Correspondent for The Letts Journal
As our canny mothership kicks off its highly secretive AI themed Demo Day this week, we thought it might be a good time to look at how NOT to use AI - first up, in US politics.
After all, in a world where politicians still struggle with email passwords and the concept of "turning it off and on again," we've somehow entrusted humanity's future to artificial intelligence. As the White House fumbles through its 17th executive order on AI regulation (each contradicting the previous sixteen), here's our definitive guide to what absolutely NOT to do with your shiny new AI tools.
Ask It to Write Your Political Campaign
Nothing says "I'm presidential material" quite like having a robot craft your vision for America. Trump's new AI-generated slogan "Making America Phenomenally Exceptional Again With Huge Success" raised eyebrows not just for its verbosity but for the footnote that read "Insert regional pander here." Meanwhile, three senators have already blamed "algorithmic anomalies" for campaign promises that mentioned giving tax breaks to species not yet discovered.
Let It Handle Your Dating Life
Representative Johnson thought his AI assistant sending automated flirty responses to constituents was "efficient government." His wife, divorce attorney, and ethics committee disagreed. The resulting congressional hearing featured the immortal line: "I did not have textual relations with that algorithm."
Use It for Medical Advice in Congress
The Senate Health Committee's brilliant idea to use AI to draft healthcare legislation resulted in a bill that prescribed horse dewormer for economic inflation and suggested "bleeding with leeches" as a solution to the national debt. Remarkably, it passed the House with only minor amendments.
Rely On It for Fact-Checking
When the Supreme Court cited "ChatGPT vs. The Reasonable Person" in a landmark decision, legal scholars noted the case not only didn't exist but featured a plaintiff who was literally made of maths. Justice Roberts later clarified he thought he was using "one of those Google things."
Trust It With National Safety Protocols
After the Pentagon's new AI security system locked generals out of nuclear facilities for "suspicious behaviour" (bringing coffee before 6 AM), officials had to explain to the public why a Post-it note with "password123" was stuck to a missile silo door. The Defence Secretary's statement that "even our enemies wouldn't guess something that obvious" did little to reassure NATO allies.
Allow It to Manage Your Social Media
The British PM's diplomatic crisis began when his AI assistant, instructed to "be more relatable," responded to the French President's formal trade proposal with: "New phone, who dis? LOL." Westminster insiders report the subsequent trade deal now inexplicably includes 10,000 tons of baguettes and a clause written entirely in emoji.
As we careen toward a future where algorithms make our decisions, write our laws, and apparently select our national anthems (Congress is still recovering from the AI's suggestion to replace "The Star-Spangled Banner" with "Baby Shark"), perhaps the greatest wisdom is knowing when to simply unplug the damn thing. Perhaps a cautionary tale for us all.
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