The Politics of Climate Change: Help!
Politicians are unlikely to tackle the climate issue - it's every man/woman/anything else for themselves!
Less than a year after COP26 extorted climate pledges from every Tom, Dick and Boris littering the Glaswegian bins with promises to save the planet, nation by nation, climate pledge by climate pledge, it seems that we are back to square one - i.e. stuffed! Apparently the latest record-busting heat waves in Europe and the US are the result. Either that or some funky new Russian heat-missile technology.
“It won’t be long before we wake up, smell coffee and realise Tesla’s stock price was too racy, autonomous equals crash-pad (for now) and national climate plans forged on the back of fag packs were - well, just that!”
Since last November’s COP biennial shindig for backslapping climate enthusiasts (??) plastered our screens with wily eyed politicians stating whatever their canny speechwriters made up that day, we have learned a great deal about the true nature of climate change. It looks like it is a political potato too hot to handle - you know, like owning up to the fact that a recession is what it says on the tin (check Biden), that Brexit might cost a bit more than we thought (check Sunak) and that the cost of living crisis is actually a cost of living crisis (check everyone)!
Meantime we’re running out of water faster than you can say ‘Congo-has-announced-it-will-auction-oil-and-gas permits-in-a-critically-endangered-gorilla-habitat-and-the-world’s-largest-tropical-peatlands’. Apparently the same peatlands that regulate rainfall in the entirety of sub-Saharan Africa. And Bill Gates is worried about clean water - how about worrying about water - period!
All along, sitting on the side lines waiting to pounce a la Ernst Blofeld was Russia’s erstwhile leader. He has waited patiently for the chance to jack up oil prices, pump a tonne less of the dirty stuff for the exact same money (that’s inflation for him) and make sure that those COP pledges got flung into the wartime shredder faster than you can say ciao to an Italian government. And hello to Russian fossil fuel dependency for ever and ever.
Never one to waste a good climate reversal opportunity, Blofeld-in-a-furry-hat has successfully pole vaulted onto the tired, unsuspecting, democratically waning west by jack hammering it when it was down (which is French for ‘vive la revolution’) from Covid/Trump/Brexit by picking a fight with a neighbour - or two (have you met my Russian neighbours?).
It seems that real-world-Blofeld has come up with a canny scam. By waging war with Ukraine he not only got the chance to let off a bit of AK47 steam but he also exerted yet more pressure on the already strained global supply chain(gang) - which is business mumbo jumbo for oh crap Americans bought too many manufactured goods when, thanks to Covid, they couldn’t buy any face-to-face services. Stay with me.
As a result, inflation has flipped faster than a budgie half-arsing it from Blofeld’s white-washed pussy cat, and bingo, oil becomes the new Iskander missile jacking up prices to the point where we all go broke and fuel a 21st century revolution of the western impoverished versus the establishment - like a normal day out in the cheap seats at Chelsea’s Stamford Bridge stadium.
And its the fastest way to get incumbent politicians thrown onto the bonfire of broken COP26 promises while keeping oil producers in the style they are accustomed to.
Say hello to way more global heating.
Yet, even in real-world-Blofeld’s wildest dreams he could never have imagined that the west would scrap its recent climate pledges with such alacrity. Hastily firing up a tonne of new fossil fuels while opening a myriad of unused coal plants guaranteed to get everyone even more pissed with each other and pollution all because, it seems, no one could figure out how to fight the bare chested dude on a horse with the (impotent?) sanction thingy’s. While the West hopes that a few weapons chucked Ukraine’s way will swing it - a bit like going into the ring with Tyson Fury and handing the gloves to the referee in the vain hope that he might use them for you!
But it seems to be working for Blofeld-in-real-life: Biden’s climate plan has been ripped up in a puff of Manchin’s coal, while Boris’s sank into an empty bottle of champagne and France and Italy have fallen into a shaky new anti-climatic marriage with the far right - part financed by guess who! It seems that Blofeld gets around…
Having triggered the cost of living tsunami designed to finish off ‘the last of the climate supporters’ kinda-like-Mohicans with the undeniable realpolitik of fear due to EVERYONE BEING BROKE meaning climate pledges will join the cat stalked bird right out of the window until the entire western world disappears into a puff of wildfire, survived only by the erstwhile Putin basking in the warmer temperatures that fuel his previously chilly uber-palace in the woods - probably also financed by Uber.
And when the dystopian dust settles and real-world-Blofeld (yaa baby) finds himself the last man standing the smile will be all over his face as he won’t have to listen to the latest Fox news about his old buddy Trump because he’ll be parked on the deserted Crimean beaches content in the knowledge that he warmed the planet to the exact right temperature, ridding himself of any semblance of dissent by nuking us all with climate/war/oil.
Who needs to wait for the next James Bond to realise No Time to Die?
It looks like doom is baked in thanks to all the ripped up climate pledges in the name of Putin-onomics (not colonics) and western leaders too enfeebled to take on the real issue: “IT’S ALREADY WORLD WAR III BABY!”
The even more unfortunate part (assuming that’s possible) is that there will always be another problem/Blofeld/shitty-western-leader to kick the climate ball into the long, wild and increasingly charred grass. Proving this poor planet has a LettsSafari chance in hell of staying temperate. And it looks like it’s going be left to the rest of us…
Where’s James Bond when you need him?
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