Your Ultimate Heatwave Beach Checklist!
A fashion forward guide to hitting the scorching beaches this summer!
Throughout the summer, persistent heat waves have affected parts of Europe and North America, causing wildfires, droughts, evacuations and heat-related deaths. The highest temperature recorded in Europe was 47.0 °C (116.6 °F) in Pinhão, Portugal. NOAA’s National Centers for Environmental Information, or NCEI, reported June 2022 was the sixth-warmest June since global record-keeping began in 1880.
During this heat wave, it seems nearly 12,000 people have died from heat stroke or other means, making it the deadliest natural event since the 2011 East Africa drought, and the deadliest heat wave since the 2010 Russian heat wave.
With temperatures soaring across Europe and America it seems like everyone is hitting the beach, mostly trying to get away from the forest wildfires. Here’s the ideal checklist for the perfect beach getaway.
The ultimate beach checklist - ‘Tan for Ten’:
“A bottle a day keeps the drought away!”. Given that multiple regions are reporting the 2022 drought as the worst since records began, the water bottle has become the friskiest beach accessory. And the fluorescent blue DiorRiviera 2022 insulated water bottle could mark you out on those simmering beaches - saying style with an eco, survivalist edge. Apparently the bottle is a tribute to Mr Dior’s idyllic lifestyle. Also available in intense peony pink for that dreamy ‘his and hers’ look.
The coolest beach towel, according to our friends at Elle Magazine, is the Wanderlust XL. If you love the beach and McDonald’s and hate the sand (??) this towel is for you. It is sand resistant while at the same time quite handy for whacking wildfires or wrapping yourself when the flames overwhelm you. You could also go for the genuine fire blanket from Screwfix. Apparently, a fire retardant is handy at the hottest of beaches as it can put out those small starting fires. It even reflects heat from the radiation meaning you can get up close and more personal than ever at the late beach barbecue or in case of fallout from the pesky missile attacks at the Zaporizhzhia nuclear plant in Ukraine.
Forget wind breaks, bring along a green living wall and with just a smidgen of water (from your Dior bottle?) you can serve up a decent palate of foraged fresh salad and herbs for when we hit beach dystopia in earnest.
Say goodbye to paddleboards, the new look navy seal landing gear from Halliburton will prove perfect for when the Chinese launch a mock invasion at your private beach.
The ultimate beach bum accessory is ‘Safer Seas’, the SAS app (yes that SAS), that predicts when and where sewage pollution will appear. No more nasty surprises for the surfer in you who just wants to ‘keep it clean’.
For parasols check out the ‘Sunny Life’ eight best beach umbrellas thanks to Elle Magazine (who should be sponsoring us by now!) and includes the Ombrellone Visconti for $848 - which is a snip for any mafioso hiding behind it. Equally you can fashion forward with Rihanna’s all in one solar powered music brolly with her latest album embedded - seriously? Well... Equally, mini parasols are the newest rage as scorching heat follows you literally everywhere - and sun screens no longer cut it. Hard core fashionistas and you too can even pack this little gem into your tote so its always with you! Equally, the Kung Fu Smith parasol kicks butt and can assist during ‘unprovoked’ beach landings.
Thanks to Joe Biden and ‘Top Gun: Maverick’, the Rayban Aviator shades are the only game in town - as much as anything because we all want to come off as astronauts to shuttle-hop it to Mars when earth scorches a few more degrees.
The perfect beach book has to be the Claremont Institute’s handbook, which helps you get under the skin of the next neo-fascist to take over your once democratic shores. And, for the quick read, check their magazine aptly named ‘The American Mind’(??!!).
For tunes check out the greatest hits from Burning Spear which will make you cooler than Snoop Dogg because, let’s face it, retro reggae is back. And with a name like ‘Burning Spear’ it’s bound to bring out the Robinson Crusoe in you - very sustainable and green with a tinge of Ukraine supporting weaponry.
Going eco? Hit the latest solar powered barbecue with the ‘Go Sun’ (where do these guys get these friggin’ brand names?!!) solar powered grill that apparently cooks your spread in just twenty minutes using “every drop of sunshine”! It will also accessorise nicely with your eco bike, car and subscription to LettsSafari
- which is not only the ultimate dinner party swag, but beats any number of streaming subscriptions!
If, on the other hand, you want to go sans accessory, as nature best intended, bring along the factor 5 billion because you’re going to need it. And should you still get a little sun-scarred then the ‘Glory Oil’ from Eco Sonya Driver has your back. They describe it as: “The holy grail. This supernatural, organic cold pressed oil is a powerhouse of omegas and antioxidants. It looks and feels like pure liquid gold, going on the skin lightly and smoothly, to instantly plump and moisturise… A league of its own. Elite yet humble. TIP: it’s also perfect to use on cuticles, nails, body and hair!” And surely a snip at a little over $100 per bottle. Perfect for that Dubai party with the princes.
For the rest of us - stay indoors, stop using water, energy, plastics or any other summer lovely that has been conjured up for our doom - and wait for winter. After all, it has to be better - right?
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